Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I wear a torn place on my sleeve || Peter
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.
Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation...
I wear a torn place on my sleeve.
It isn't as simple as that.
Never have I hated roosters more than right now.
I know it's not right for me to blame it. But I choose to blame everything. Everything and everyone. And very much myself.
I think, Simon. Really. You couldn't get your act together by the third time?
I reply, No, I'm an idiot. What do you expect?
As I stare at the nails hammered into the gate, the gate to a garden which I would like to forget about, I gloomily recall other idiotic moments. There are too many of them. More since I met the Teacher.
The time I got all excited about walking on water and nearly drowned because I was faithless. Not my best moment. Me, faithless in front of the whole group. No, not my proudest moment in the least.
So many times I shouted out some stupid answer because it was just burning at my throat to be said and then I'd get this look from him or from them that was clearly saying, Simon. Stick to fishing. You don't know anything.
Bitterly, with darkness laughing against my cheeks, I realize it's true.
There is a stony darkness in me that that is burning my belly. I think of the Teacher, who is really the only person who ever believed I could do something right. The darkness is clawing its way up my jaw. I feel my face tighten and burn. I refuse to let myself believe that he is dead.
But I know he is.
I have a nail in my hands and I'm running it against the ground, absently writing. I think it's my name.
I brush my hand over it. I am Simon now, because Peter would have held fast.
I am not a rock. I'm as changeable as the wind and no amount of excitement can change that.
Lying is so easy. You just let a little half-truth slip out, grin in bitter memory, and carry on.
His name, paired with lies bitter as soap, is burned on my tongue. I'll never be able to look him in the face again.
And I might not be able to, I realize and then my heart seizes up again.
I don't love him, I tell myself. It's not like if Andrew had been carted off or something. Then I wouldn't deny it - he's my brother, of course not - but I would know what this tightness in my throat was called.
I'm too ashamed to look into the sky and pray, God forgive me, I am an idiot.
So I bow my chin against my chest and weep. The nails falls from my fingers and I am overcome by what I've done.
Why do you believe in me, Lord?
Because you believe in me.
My hands are dirty.
I want to make it up to him somehow.
And then I realize it. He is new. He is doing a new thing.
Oh take me back to the start
I could not hear
My ears have forgotten
The dawn comes softly and I put the nail in the garden gate, which I remember well. He is greater than me I fail not, and all is well.
It's worth it.
To be continued