I wear a torn place on my sleeve || A thief

Behold, I will do something new,
  Now it will spring forth;
  Will you not be aware of it?
  I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
  Rivers in the desert.

Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation...

I wear a torn place on my sleeve.
It isn't as simple as that.

A thief

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

blood

in

my

mouth

in my hands

nails

in my hands

darkpainbloodblackingoutheartbeat

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

i am not afraid to die

just let me die now

throw me in an unmarked grave like the rest

rest

i need rest

no one will remember my name

to be honest, i'm glad. i'm not a good person

blacking out again

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

memory and other things i don't need

sound and other things i don't want

beside me another forgotten

forgetful

what am i called again?

a thief?

a murderer?

a man?

there's another one beside me, wetting

me with his

black black black no air

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

words

words

i have no use for words

why are you speaking

you foolish

what do they call you?

i don't even remember my name

let alone who you are

ogodogodogod letmedienowpleaseletmedie

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

you are a fool

my brother

you are a fool

do you remember what you did to end up here?

i don't.

yes i do.

i can see the faces

don't you remember too, my brother?

and the one

the one in the center center center i can't

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

i ask nothing of you

i have nothing i can ask you for

you who chose this

bloodbreathsourwineburningbloodbloodblood

i did not choose it

i do not regret it

what else could have been done me?

i would bow before you

but all i can do is struggle against these

nailsnailsnails

to say

rip

rrrrrip

breath

out

o LORD

remember me

when YOU

enter

YOUR

KINGDOM

for i will never see you again

but you will judge my soul

stretching up trying to

breatheagainstnails

will i ever

see

you

again

.
.
.

                       out




Paradise finds its existence.
(to be continued)

(Isaiah 43:19, Anais Nin's Henry and June, and W.S. Merwin's The Nails provide the epigraph.)

Dear Bathsheba [[remorse and resurrection]]

...Oh, beloved Bathsheba. Do not leave me here, alone with the moon. I love you, my dear, oh, I love you...

God, how I miss you. 

I'm very alone here, Abba. When I saw her bathing on the roof, I loved her. She loved me, too, God, I know she did. We were beautiful together, admit it. She was sad and she was lonely, and I was scared and I was misunderstood. I was so afraid to lose her.  You've taken me away so many times from the ones I love. I was afraid you would do it again, God, that once again, you'd cast me away from the ones I love. I loved them, God. I promise I did. 

I think that was why I snatched her up the way I did, I just didn't want to lose her, the way I lost all the others I loved most. I know, I know, it was wrong of me to be so afraid.

I wasn't trying to hurt her, the pretty, weeping girl that night. I wasn't trying to hurt you either, I swear it. Oh, how I didn't want to give her up. I miss her, my beloved Bathsheba. It wasn't her fault, of course, the dark way I loved her, the way my love turned to murder.

Oh, God, I can't even think about that. My heart will break all over again and I think I had just salvaged enough of it to say I'm sorry. I am. I'm so so sorry.

How you must despise me. My family does. My whole kingdom does. I despise myself, most of all my bitter-stained heart. 

I'm alone with the moon again. I'm a mass of contradictions, you know - the king after God's heart and the one who killed for a bitter love.

Give me my harp, my dear, I need to sing a short song. Or maybe it will be a long one.

You're my beloved now, the real one, you who never left me alone with the outside darkness (saying I'm sorry and then trying to forget over and over). You've kept my hands gathered, and for the last time, taken hyssop and ground it into my heart, into my eyes, into my hands.

I'm aflame now, and I'm weeping and there is resurrection. My heart died when we parted, you and I, and I buried it when I said goodbye to her, but now, create in me a clean heart, a new one, O God, and resurrect - renew - a right spirit within me. Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love.

Because, I'm sorry isn't going to work when you're alone with the moon. Because, a broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Thanks be to God. Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Rainbow Hair

I have pink hair

I have laughed and laughed

Life is so full of rain

My yellowed eyes are all full of

Rain and there is nothing

But rain and go away

Because no one wants you

Or your beesting whistle pipe smiling

If you touch the balloons you will

My hands are crackled and we see

Rainbows [in my hair]

Just some thoughts from stormy, hurricane-swept Pennsylvania as we had our devotional this morning. I don't think I've ever written a poem that combines concepts from My Little Pony and The Prodigal God. (Whoa! I actually gave some of the inspiration for my poem for you to know! So weird! I guess this makes it less ambiguous. -C.)

Monologue

Hello. Does that seem stiff and formal? It kind of feels that way. Okay. Hi, it's me. I just dropped by because, well, I'm not sure. I miss you a lot. That's for sure. A whole lot. It seems like it's been years since we stayed up till three to talk about the sunset. Was that really just last week? Wow. So much has happened since then. The world has ended since then. Or, my world has.

How many years has it been since we first met? Five? Six? I don't even remember. It seems like forever. You were so young, with your nerdy little bowl cut and your cute little smile. I was probably just as young. Is that me? In that picture beside the bed? Wow. Look at me. I'm not who I was.

Remember that time when we made the blanket fort in your basement with all of the fitted sheets? We slew the dragon, plugged in the stereo, and rocked out to Mozart for three hours during the thunderstorm. Your eyes glowed like you were a nocturnal creature and your Figaro aria was spot-on. Quite the singer, you still are.

How about that time when you and I went out dancing in the rain? I felt like a princess, twirling around in my satin dress, rain making my eyelashes stand out more than any makeup. You doubted the sense of dancing in the rain at first, but with you bow tie strapped around your neck, you made a dapper Gene Kelly, singin' in the rain. I don't think either of us knew what we were doing. I know I didn't. And you looked so uncomfortable. But you were a trooper. We spun in circles and pretzels, and then you dropped me. It didn't hurt, and I'm pretty sure you did it on purpose, just to show off how you would always be there to keep me safe.

My favorite memories are still the ones from those late nights, right before... well, you know. It felt like the morning would never get here, and that God had stopped the moon right as we knew we would never be able to go to sleep. I talked about the past a lot. Rome. China. Transcendentalism. Purity. The way things used to be. You renewed my mind. We talked about the future. The way things will be, if all turns out. College. Work. Church. Missions. You. Me. And both of us. And God, of course. Lots about God.

But now, your words are silent, and your beautiful velvet eyes are shut. The future is past. All of our plans, the times that you were going to take me dancing, the times I was going to help you clean your room, the times we were going to stay up all night praying in the church cafe... all of those are gone. I watch them dissolve into the IV plugged into your arm. Your raspy breathing is almost like singing, melodic, like those blues songs we sang to your guitar in the lazy practices.

Oh, my sweet friend! I miss you!

Give me your hands. They've gone cold.

Don't leave me.

All those plans we had, all those things we never got to talk about, all those things I still wanted to tell you...

The future is now.

Wake up.

I love you.

Paradox: on Maundy Thursday

Then came the Day of the Unleavened Bread, on which the Passover lamb had to be sacrificed...

Afraid, I walked
In gloomy streets
God, O God, pass over me...So Jesus sent Peter and John, saying, "Go and prepare the Passover for us, that we may eat it."

We walk together
He and I, we saw
On every corner, a face
Ah, how we should have known it
For it was the face of him

They said to him, "Where will you have us prepare it?"

Sadness
Glory
On his brow
Where is a place for this man?
I can not find him

He said to them, "Behold, when you have entered the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him into the house that he enters,"

Water, I thirst
Why can not this void within be quenched?
I will follow you
Where are you?
Where are you taking me?"And tell the master of the house, 'The Teacher says to you, Where is the guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?'

In the corner of the room,
There is a vase
-We are all fearful -
In it, still, still his face
Why do I not recognize it?

And he said to them, "I have earnestly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer."

Everywhere, I see guilt
And faces
Faces, I see them, I am
Afraid, I do not know who this is
I earnestly desire to be in your kingdom, Teacher
I would not be afraid there

And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying,^"> "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me."

Broken, like my heart
I do not see anything but this unknown face
Who are you?
I remember, Lord, but
Why, why indeed, would I need to?

And he came out and went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him.

I see more clearly here in the dark
Here you are!
I see the face and I know you.
And here you come to leave us all
Paradox
I don't understand, but tomorrow
Tomorrow, I will see
Tomorrow I will understand
Now I know in part
Perhaps I will understand as I am understood
What a sad, sad story
To see your face in prayer
Here among the Olive Trees
You are, I recognize, your face
In paradox

Mascara (a.k.a My Masters Diary)

Day 0: Travel to NC
Lesson learned: We love airplanes!
We departed from Colorado Springs (my mom, me, Mrs. S, Madison, Levi and Maci) and took the long flight to Chicago O'Hare airport. Madison is my debate and duo partner, and her AOR for this particular Masters tournament was debate... well, she printed debate stuff at the last minute, so we spent the first flight getting the public forum stuff in order :)
We then went from the (icy cold) O'Hare airport to Charlotte. We arrived at night, in the pouring rain ("It's so romantic!" says Maci as she twirls around in it) and rented a van ("Please pick a red one!" says Madison. We got a red one.) and head to Hotel #1.
Wow! Tiring first day. Looking forward to conference tomorrow!

Day 1: Registration and drive to Hamlet
Lesson learned: Don't blink on the drive or you'll miss the town.
We made the 2 1/2 hour drive to Hamlet and checked in at our hotel. We then went to the town of Hamlet and registered at the church. Happiness! I got to see my favorite INTP and good friend Rebecca, as well as connect up with the interns and some of my other friends from camp and conference. Among them: Westin! A friend from Colorado. After our opening simulation (ZOMBIES!!! AAAAH!!! RUN AWAY!!!!) we watched the encore performance of Lead the Escape, hung out with friends, and then went home.

Day 2: Student Leadership, Ladies Luncheon and Model UN
Lesson Learned: Josh better have a good reason...
This day was jam-packed! I got to hang out with people again, which was enough for me to be very happy, but we also had a number of simulations and things. The Ladies Luncheon (with its awesome slumber party theme) was hosted by Kelsea and Robin and - triumph! - Mrs. Moon in her PAJAMAS! That was something I thought I'd never see! This followed our first class of the day (I attended the Student Leadership track) and after lunch, we continued to the very first Model UN simulation. I was representing Mexico with a single partner (I was on the Security Council). My partner was very different from me - we didn't agree on a single issue of our country's policy! That was a little difficult to get used to. But, I'm sure Josh has a good reason...

Day 3: Public Forum, part one and Mystery Party
Lesson Learned: Mascara is really bat poop. Don't ask.
I should start by saying that I've never done any kind of debate before, and my partner is a seasoned four-year-er. This having been said, I practiced my debate a LOT. So... I forgot something important. My mascara. Ouch. I was wearing full makeup... but no mascara. My self-confidence plummeted. Apparently, when I told my partner I wouldn't debate without mascara, she believed me, because she bugged an alum intern for some mascara. AH! I felt remade. I debated four rounds and I didn't die in any of them!
We then changed into our mystery costumes for the mystery dinner. Madison, Maci and I went as clue characters (Ms. Peacock, Ms. Scarlet, and Ms. White, respectively). Our parents were Agents 1 and 2 and Levi went as the Scarlet Pimpernel (which I know nothing about). My favorite costumes of the evening: several interns dressed as Clue characters (Mrs. White, Ms. Peacock, Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard, Mr. Green, Mr. Body [teehee]). Westin was Zorro. He had this cute little mustache. Humorous story:
Madison: Is that eyeliner?
Westin: No. It's the thing that comes with the spiny brush.
Madison: Mascara?
Westin: Ouch! That thing hurts. It must be made of metal.
Madison: No... who's mascara was it?
Westin: A friend's.
Levi: I bet it was Catey's.
Madison and Catey laugh hysterically as Westin gets really confused.

Day 4: Tournament, take two and concert
Lesson learned: OUCH
To start the day off, Eric ran me over. Hard. He kicked my shins by accident so I fell over and it hurt. Great. Soon after, I was removed from the Phase 1 (easier, non-advancing competition) to judge it. That was really fun! Sadly, Josh was really concerned about whether Madison and I would be okay with it. I felt bad for him - he was harried. I felt so bad for him that I didn't begrudge him the fact that he also ran me over and smashed me into a wall. Oops. Poor guy. As I looked back, I realized I had been run over a grand total of six times. I then kept track of collisions, because it was awesome.
Anyway, I performed my Thematic Religious Reading, and was seriously worried about my time (I ran two and six seconds over, which can be grounds for disqualification). We then attended a concert and performance of The Great Divorce. I cried and cried and cried. I need to read that book.

Day 5: Model UN
Lesson learned: Never trust China
Today, we were able to actually able to attend whatever classes we wanted. In addition to that, we broke into our separate councils in Model UN. I was on the Security Council (which is the best). I wrote this fantastic resolution, and received three more than necessary signatories - including China, Russia, France, etc. My resolution was then vetoed by China. His reasoning?
China: "The world is a twisted place."
No kidding.
Today, we also heard postings. Three of my friends' teams qualified to National-level competition in debate, and Colorado swept up the only Informative slot (must be the mascara, Westin.) My friend Madison and I both took honors and slots in Thematic Religious Reading (guess those two- and six- second overtimes were okay). My friend Rebecca won the Oratorical Contest. Happiness.

Day 6: Model UN and closing ceremonies
Lesson learned: We are all broken pots.
After the closing session of Model United Nations (where our chapter performed very well: Laura taking third country, Levi taking 2nd country, Madison taking 1st speaker General Assembly and 1st country, and I taking 1st speaker Security Council), and my performance of my Thematic for the assembly, we attended classes until the closing ceremonies and formal banquet. All of us dressed up in formal gowns and tuxes, and it was a truly beautiful evening. It was tainted bittersweet though - this would be the last time I'd see many of these people for a long time, perhaps for several months or even years. After Mrs. Moon's address, we lit candles, and sang in the yellow pools of light underneath them. I stood by my dear friend, and sooner than I knew it, I was absolutely overcome by the compassion and beauty of God. I stood in the darkness, my face glowing in the candlelight and cried, Why me, God? I am no good. My words are broken. My love is fake. Why me? And back to me: You serve a good God. Everyone speaks in broken tones - just show mercy. No one loves like me - I will heal you. I chose you because I love you.
Wow. That changed my thinking. I then went around crying for the compassion of God, and saying goodbye. I know that I love these people and that they must care about me, because none of them were turned off by the fact that I had been sobbing into my hands. It was a rubbing of souls. I greatly miss everyone, but I am content to know that Masters was not the last time I'll see any of them. I look forward to seeing them again soon and I pray in the mean time.
And, ending on a more lighthearted note, my mascara did indeed cause more problems (it dripped down my face and I looked like the matchmaker from MuLan. Baaad.) Oh well. Next time I'll just ask Westin to borrow his.

I have been changed by Masters, so don't be surprised if any number of my posts quote people from Masters, or tell stories of Masters as examples. Currently, I have a piece of poetry floating around my brain from The Great Divorce. Eventually.

In Haiti

Dust
It stung my eyes cough cough
The sky is opened above me
Where is the house
I'm confused
Gasping clutching Mother- mother -
Scream
The pigs move past the women scream
We cry out
There is blood on my dress
There is bile on the stones

Fear
How could this be?
Where are you, God?
So far away, what can I do
What can I do
What can I do?
Hundred miles pass in blue
Between you and I
My arms are aching
Aching to hold you.

Cursing the sun cursing
The light handling what I can
No more house no more sky
No sky just dust
I can't breathe can't cry can't speak
I hate you where are you when I need you
Why aren't you here for me why didn't you stop this
Why weren't your hands there to cradle me
God o God o God I can't feel you
Then where are you

Praising the Son praising
The Light and truth
The Shepherd was there, he cradled the lambs
I can't feel him, and his staff pains me
I just want to cry, I have no praise in my heart
But in my soul, maybe, in my spirit
I can find a wailing voice
Even if I have no words, I praise you
You were there, when I couldn't be
Hold her
Rock her to sleep
Tousle her hair
Sing over her:
Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name.
I will sing, I will shout

Burning sun blistering water
Tears in my eyes
Blood in my hair
Over me
Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name.
Your name is a strong and might tower
It did not collapse when the earth shook
I run to the tower I ascend
The stairs cavernously
Nothing can shake you nothing
I am safe here
I feel your arms around me
I know your name
You are here
Blessed be your name.

Please be in prayer for the victims of the 7.0 earthquake that struck Haiti. Already the poorest country in the western hemisphere, they've consistently had natural, social and political adoptions. More people in Haiti are chronically malnourished than anywhere else in this half of the world, and with the earthquake, less food and water is available. The streets are littered with dead, and many are still trapped under rubble. Haitian adoptions are slow, unsteady and strewn with deceit and corruption. This earthquake could make things more difficult. Dozens of countries have rushed to Haiti's aid, but their support will not be enough. We need to be in prayer that the spiritual elements of the Haiti disaster will be covered, not just the physical. The country is dedicated to Voodoo, and God feels far off to these precious children of his today. When we are inadequate, Christ shows strongest. Please lift these little ones up in prayer in the coming days, weeks and months.

When Angels Sing

Today is one of those days. You know the kind - where you have to get five million things done but just want to go on watching and rambling about spider webs.

I don't particularly like spider webs, actually, but I do enjoy the snow that is trickling from the white sky today. I somehow have a split vision in my mind of Christmas - half of me thinks of the traditional white Christmas (which is what I'm having here in my homestate). The other half sees instead of snow, sand, instead of pines, palms, and instead of a warm home a cold rock wall. And then I shudder and thank God.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. Starting in November, I eagerly anticipate its arrival. But it's been a unique Christmas.

I think I've grown up a lot in the last year. I think I'm beginning to perceive more like an adult and less like a child. What does this all have to do with Christmas? I don't really know. Maybe just my perception. I remember my thoughts last year on Christmas. This year, they have clarified, and at the same time, grown more ambiguous.

I've been thinking a lot about joy. I love joy. I think it is one of the most important qualities to be possessed. I've also been thinking a lot about pain. This is going to sound cliche, but I really think pain and joy go hand in hand - true joy, that is. I think joy is being able to see past the darkness and embrace the light, celebrate it.

A lot of people right now are in the midst of some very black darkness. They are surrounded by death, disease, despair, depression, brokenness, strife, malice. The dawn seems far away, doesn't it?

But it's not. In fact, light has already come. Many years ago, a light entered the world, and it's been trying to get him out of it ever since. But much as they try, the light can not be quenched. It hungers, it thirsts, for the inevitable - that one day, the dawn will come, all darkness will flee, and we will be standing in the sun.

I think when that happens, we'll look all around us and see the garish colors of past attractions, the decay and decadence all around us. But it will pale in comparison, it will fade away in the greatness of the light, that bright light.

So I have hope this Christmas, because I know that the darkest part of night is right before the sun rises. I have great peace because I know that, very, very soon, I will dance in the dawn. And I have much joy because this is a celebration of love! pure love, and great love, and love at first sight. Did you ever think about that? I hadn't. I know God loved me at first sight... before that! He loved me before there was sight.

For lo! the days are hastening on,

By prophets seen of old,

When with the ever-circling years

Shall come the time foretold,

When the new heaven and earth shall own

The Prince of Peace, their King,

And the whole world send back the song

Which now the angels sing.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May Christ's glad tidings of great joy, his love which embraces the world, his hope which waits just behind the curtain, and his peace which passes all understanding bring you closer to him this Christmas.

The Smell of Thought

I wanted to hope for a gift
Something set free from a cage with wings
And desperately, I hoped to gain
Something that would free me too

But I could not be freed
Until I could learn to give
And though I hated the inscrutable wind
I tried to scream my whispered warning

To it as I longed for pale sunsets
And words that would give me
Some sort of wish
That would give me hope

But hope is a quality quickly fleeting
And though I loathed the smell
Of thought, I thought
And thought of things

That no mortal should ever think of
No mere man should ever write of
But I did, because the cage demanded
Escape, and escape was of the outside world

And the outside world held disgust
And I wanted to understand that disgust
And find a way to make it beautiful
For it was not wrong to write

About wrong, because for wrong to be
Right must be, for hate to be,
Love must triumph. And I made
It triumph in every thought

And though I loathed the smell of
Blood, I thought of blood and water
And how the sky would pour forth stars
And damage the unsuspecting earth below

And I wondered how long it would be
Before another thinker would enter and
Think the dark and troubled thoughts I thought
But none would come for they feared

That light would never be back.
Except for one, and that was of
Another time, another year, moment
And dimension, and I longed

For another thought, a thought of joy
And a thought that would remove this
Elephant from my chest and
Let my heart beat freely again

It did not come and I drowned.
Darkness is not unlike water and water
Makes one drown when it is all around
And suddenly, light and darkness

Made their solemn dance around me
Like a wedding march, marrying themselves together
I screamed.
Because I was drowned and I

Could not see or breathe…
But it was not the end.
Light and dark are two means
To kill and to birth

And to embrace the light from
The side of the dark
As a great illumination watches
Is to find a joy that cannot be found

To fight an enemy that cannot be killed
To find a way that does not exist
To eat from the hand that made you
To know a God who cannot be known.

I keep writing poetry. Once again, I'm trying to improve my contest entry, and this one isn't even the right form, so I decided to post it. Poetry is a raw art and is a language of thought, best understood when overheard, I've decided.This one was just expression of something I can't understand. But I'm trying. Echoes in ink, C.

The Night

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness, he called Night.

It was now about the sixth hour and there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour, while the sun's light failed. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two.

For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.

I, Jesus... am the root and the descendant of David, the bright morning star. The Spirit and the Bride say, "Come." And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.

It is so dark out here, Father. It's so cold, and chill, and I am frightened. The stars even hide their light. I cannot break this blackness, this perfect, pure blackness.

Father, I am afraid.

Why is the night here? Is it not daytime? Why, Father?

These torrents of rain cover me. They are in my hair and my eyes, and the scream - the pained, pained scream - fills my ears and my heart. Who is crying out, Father? And why is he anguished?

Then the wailing begins. I cannot tell where it begins from. Perhaps the man in the center of the three? The wail is unbroken, unadulterated pain. The man arches his back, trying, trying so hard to...

To breathe, I think. Below him, the woman is wailing too. Their screams harmonize together in cacophony with the screaming. I think it is the wind.

I am afraid, Father.

Above the shout of rain and wind and tears, I can hear just one thing.

Small gasp. Small gasp.

The man in the center is making the noise. He tears his hands on the spires and raises himself up.

"Father! Into your hands I commit my spirit. It is finished."

It is.

The wind is louder. The rain pounds harder on my face, my outstretched hands.

I'm crying. And I don't know why.

It is finished.

That is why. It's done here. The suffering, finally over. The pain, finally done.

But his life is ended. Cut short.

The darkness plunges even blacker. And then I realize.

Light has perished from the world.

Come back.

Come back.

End the night, forever.

The Wait

(This devotional was featured on Real Teen Faith earlier this week, but I thought I'd post it on Sparks of Illumination in case you didn't catch it on the other site. Hope you enjoy it! - C.)

Abram had a promise from God. He knew that the Lord would give him a son, despite his old age. He was familiar with the promises of God. He was only a few generations from the time of Noah and the flood, where God had showed just how fully he kept his promises to his people.

But Abram didn’t wait on the Lord. Though the child of promise was to come through his wife, Sarai, he chose instead to have a child through his concubine, Hagar.

Disaster ensued. Sarai banished Hagar and her son Ishmael to the desert twice, and once the child of promise, Isaac, was born, the clash only intensified. The nation descended from Isaac, the Jews, and the nation descended from Ishmael, the Arabs, are in conflict to this day.

What made Abram waver? Why did he settle for less than perfection, when he had the promise of goodness before him?

Abram had the same problem that people are still struggling with to this day. He was impatient for God’s blessing, and so he diminished the blessing coming to him by disobeying God and not waiting on His perfect timing.

A study was conducted among a group of preschoolers. Adults would put a child in a room with one cookie and tell the child that if they could wait a certain amount of time without eating the cookie, they could have two later. Then they went out of the room and watched the children. Almost every child ate the one cookie then, instead of waiting for the two.

They wanted immediate gratification. They wanted to have the good thing then, even though if they just waited a little longer, they would get more.

Everyone longs to feel God’s blessing in their lives. They cry out for him to relieve their suffering and bless them in a certain area of their life. This may be finance, time, housing, friends, school.

For me, this area was in specific activities. I wanted so badly to be involved in a program that my friends were involved in, I pushed God. I told him the area I wanted to be involved in was a good program, that it was a safe environment, that it was a place where I could further his kingdom. I said that I would enjoy it, be good at it, help people through it. Then I asked God why he wasn’t letting me be a part of it. If it was a good thing to do, and a good thing for me to do, it didn’t make sense to me why I shouldn’t do it.

God’s answer: Wait. You’re not ready yet.

So I waited. But not patiently. I still read up on everything that had to do even remotely with the program I wanted to be in, and begged God to let me join. The answer didn’t change.

Wait. You’re not ready yet.

Finally, I was reading my Bible and I felt God impress upon me that my life was His anyway. I was just clay in his hands, and he could do whatever he wanted with me. I didn’t need to worry about what God wanted for me, because he knew what was best for me, and that I should settle for nothing less.

I gave myself back to him. I told him that I was okay if he never had it in his plan for me to do all the things I’d always hoped I’d do. I told him I wanted to do what he wanted for me, whether or not I agreed with him at the time.

A week later, my mom approached me about joining the group I had wanted to all along.

I’m the first to admit it’s hard to wait. But if we wait on God and acknowledge that He, no matter what, is our best, we will be rewarded.

God has a plan for your life. And he ultimately rewards patience and surrender, if only we wait.

(P.S. Did you notice my new profile name? I changed from Sister Warrior to Echoes in Ink. Sister Warrior didn't really fit anymore, and Echoes in Ink fits both areas of my passion for communication, writing and speaking. Maybe I'll write a post on Echoes in Ink later. Maybe not. You never know. Sparks of illumination, C.)

A Call to Prayer

"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life for I am devoted to you. You are my God. Save your servant who trusts in you." Psalm 86:1-2


"Therefore, preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 1:13


"Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians 5:17

I am calling out the generation of warriors.

I am calling out the generation of the faithful.

I am calling out the generation of the revolution.

Brothers and sisters, a crisis is raging in Kenya right now. Many of you may know that President Mwai Kibaki of Kenya was elected for a second time this past December. This caused an uproar among followers of another presidential candidate, Raila Odinga.

Mr. Odinga accused President Kibaki of rigging the election before the votes were ever counted. Apparently, many voters came to cast votes and found ballot boxes already full, leading them to believe this.

President Kibaki denies any wrongdoing.

This stems from an age-old conflict among tribes. Two main tribes in Kenya (the Kikuyu, President Kibaki's tribe, and the Luo, Mr. Odinga's tribe) have struggled for years, as do most tribes in Africa. But many Kikuyu people have been killed in the violence following this election.

Riots broke out in cities and in the country. Hundreds of Kenyans are dead and tens of thousands are displaced from their homes. Many fled across the borders of neighboring countries.

In one riot, fifty Kikuyu people fled to a church for protection. They were burned alive.

You may see this as a horrible tragedy taking place halfway across the world. And it is. But it reaches closer to home than that.

Compassion International is a program that serves children around the world in some of its poorest countries. It matches each child with a sponsor, who donates money to pay for food, shelter, education and other necessary commodities. The sponsor and child correspond through letters.

One of our sponsored children is a fourteen-year-old Kenyan girl. I am constantly amazed by her bravery and faith. She is always writing me about how thankful she is for her schooling and for her family, who have all become believers. She is one of seven children and they are a very poor family.

A few months before the election, she wrote me a letter saying how excited she was to witness an election. She told us how she had learned about the political process in school. She was blessed to be in one of the most stable democracies in Africa.

And now her world has fallen apart around her. She wrote us a letter that we recieved today. Here are some excerpts:

"Dear Yuen Family,

Much greetings in the name of Jesus Christ... I hope that you are all fine because there is peace in your country... I celebrated my December holiday very well but there was no peace and we ran and went to our rural home to stay there, where there was peace. I thank God for me and my family being alive because without God we could not be alive now. I also pray to God to keep you safe with your family...Here in Kenya there were some people who were displaced in their houses because of their tribes and some were killed and some were injured because of politics and now I am praying for my country. Please pray for our country too..."

She ended her letter with the verse passage Psalm 86:1-2: Hear, O Lord, ans answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life for I am devoted to you. You are my God. Save your servant who trusts in you.

This isn't a distant issue. This is here and now. Persecution and destruction exist- and they exist for me.

Persecution and destruction exist- and they exist for my Kenyan friend.

But what can we do, half a world away?

We can pray. President Kibaki and Mr. Odinga are trying to work out an agreement to stop violence and possibly share power. Please pray that they would come to a settlement. Please pray that the people of Kenya would be able to establish peace and stability for its citizens. Please pray that people would come to know God through this.

Citizens are fleeing to churches during riots. While they are being taken care of by servants of God, these people will be told the gospel. Pray that in this turmoiled time people's hearts and eyes would be opened to God.

Pray also that people in our own country would see this and be inspired to reach out to the Kenyans.

Persecution and destruction exist. Do they exist for you?